Sometimes I feel like maybe I whine too much that’s
why I choose to keep quiet.i would be there,in the
middle of the night crying my eyeballs out and I
wouldn’t even know why I would be crying. But i cry, A
LOT. Until there isn’t enough water in my body to let the
tears flow. It sucks honestly, fighting this battle i cant
seem to win because Some days are normal and some
are excruciatingly painful and all I can do is stay in bed
all day. Do nothing. stare into the abyss and think and
think and think because I cant or night, i cannot
fathom the strength to instead I think,think
myself into a much deeper hole and have no choice
but sit in it because nobody knows shit that goes on in my
mind. There have been weeks I stayed without
know I am kinda hungry but day it day out I didn’t have
the strength to lift my head from my pillow and allow
food into my system.when those who see try force
me to eat,I end of vomiting.these weeks where I dont
eat,or get out of bed. I haven’t in me the strength to
even do a small thing like bathing. I know people may
think I’m being pathetic but had anyone ever have their
body disobey them like mine disobeys me?I swear I’d
know I probably stink,my nails in dirt from all the hair
I pluck out my scalp,my teeth probably yellow because, I
just stay in bed, cry, scream have conversations with
myself.i just stay there.numb. doctors recommended
pills and sometimes they work,while sometimes they
dont. Like recently…I woke up feeling so low I took my
everyday dose,I waited,and waited,and waited.until
I took another dose because I couldn’t stop thinking
about how much I didn’t want to exist, I couldn’t get
this hurt out of my system,I couldn’t breathe.i just sat
there.and cried.for things that made sense and those
that didn’t, I cried and I called out to the world to be a
bit lenient on me. Battling mental health illnesses is
an exhausting thing,I just hope someday I will finally
master my own mind to control it instead of the other
way around.
“Breathe, you’re not drowning”

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