The first time I walked into a psychologist room was
at 14 after the rape. Disclaimer: I am afraid to get into
details about the rape because I cannot talk about it
and not dream about it. It’s a tedious and annoying
things really. Anyway, my focus had declined
and school was getting affected. Trust me,everyone
who knows Bubbly knows that whichever space they
inhibit, its very much noticeable. At this time,I was a
loner and wanted nothing to do with anyone because
as fucked up as it is;I saw the perpetrator on a daily
basis and it tore my entire being apart.
I dont even remember how or why I thought of cutting
because much as I try to remember, I dont think I had any
knowledge of what self-harm was/is but that was the
first time I slit my wrists. I can still remember how I felt
at that exact moment. My throat was tight, I couldn’t
breathe and I started punching walls and breaking
things. The pain I felt inside of me was overwhelming
me and all I knew was I wanted out. One of the things I
had been breaking proved to be sharp so I pretty much
blacked out after I held it in my hand. I recall I could
breathe, looking at that blood drip it felt as if the pain
left and oozed out with it. That momentary relief was
what I needed.
However,the emotional abuse from home didn’t make
it any better so it drove me off the edge. I over dozed
and found myself at the hospital. That’s when they told
me I may be suffering from depression and they all
wanted to find my triggers and what could be why we
were in that position. I wailed because I didn’t know
how or where to start. How on earth was I supposed to
tell a stranger that my mothers boyfriend who taught
at my school raped me and he is still walking?

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